It’s good to just chuck your thoughts down on paper no matter how random it feels to you or others. They’re better out in the open, you can free your mind to concentrate on things that really matter. 

This is one of the many pieces of advice I have picked up along the way, the last 2 years almost floating through not even knowing whether i am dreaming or awake. Surreal. 

For those who have known me for a long time and for those who have arrived into my life more recent, may or may not know that I have been battling the most difficult time of my life.

Depression & Anxiety…….it would never happen to me. I don’t get how people feel this way, surely you just tell yourself to feel better? It’s all in their head. These people are just lazy and can’t be bothered so are just using mental illness as a mask to avoid all responsibilities.  

OH HOW WRONG WAS I 🤯

For many people (also my naive younger self) it’s hard to get your head around an illness you can’t see someone struggling with. It’s not a cold where you can see someone coughing and sneezing their way through the second pack of Kleenex on the daily commute to work. It’s not like a broken leg where clearly once that bone in your leg was once “that bone” and not them 2 bones. It’s just not that. It’s not the “normal illness’” that have become socially accepted. You’re only aloud to have an illness where someone looks like, you know, ill. 

Anxiety and depression is an illness, it actually exists. The physical pain it brings feels like you have a multitude of illnesses. The last year where you’ve been having heart palpitations and are convinced you are one pot noodle away from the big deep 6. The once care free  brain that thought logically now makes you feel like you are no longer a living human being on this planet. You question whether you’ve died and this is an outer body experience and you’re waiting to pass through to the other side like Patrick Swayze in the film The Ghost. You’re going mad, I’m turning into a flat world believer!

That is the scary stuff. That is an illness no one is ever prepared for. It’s not socially acceptable. It’s not real. The stigma. 

Heart scan after heart scan, blood test after blood test. Nothing. Phew I’m ok, I’m not going to die. That feeling of reassurance. I’m going to be ok. 

BANG! 

Oh crap they’re back, this time my chest is crushing. The paramedics arrive in the small hours, you’re ok they say. Phew I’m ok. 

That reassurance again. But it doesn’t help. Deep down you know something is wrong, these physical symptoms must mean I’m going to have a heart attack or a stroke. 

The sleepless nights kick in, https://symptoms.webmd.com/default.htm#/info becomes my most viewed bookmark surpassing pornhub by a long way. 

Convincing myself i have every illness under the sun. 4 days later no sleep, more heart palpitations and then that feeling i last recognised as an 8 year old boy getting ready to come on as a halftime substitute at football. I’M HAVING A PANIC ATTACK. 

But I’m too strong for this. I’m not that 8 year old boy anymore. Oh shit, I’m finally having a midlife crises. What have I done with my life? 

You look at yourself in the mirror, I’m fat now, im one strong gust away from becoming the 3rd Mitchell brother. When did I become so old. I haven’t got long left of my life. I can’t show my face in public. My bed is where I belong. 

The sign in the shop goes up “closed for business”. 

Lost, scared, no direction. What went wrong?

For months I would lived in fear of dieing, I wouldn’t tell anyone about the sleepless nights, jumping up in my sleep unable to breathe, choking, suffocating.  

Work tomorrow, exhausted, body aching, heart still racing and then stopping randomly. Day after day, life is hard, then harder, and harder. Deeper and deeper you fall. Lonely, sick, ugly, selfish, angry. Who have I become?

Leaving the doctors, prescription in hand for antidepressants, sertraline to be exact. Horrendous bloody things. Makes you feel like you went round nemesis at Alton Towers for the 4th time in a row. Dry mouth, head zaps, more insomnia but 10 times worse, these are all the lovely side effects I got from these pills for the first few months, along with the increased anxiety they give you from the onset. WINNING AT LIFE!

First time I had opened up to anyone, a doctor I never even knew. But wow, the first step on the road to recovery. Finally it felt like a weight had lifted. I wasn’t lost in the labrynth inside my pink matter. I could open up to friends and family and explain to them I am a person, a person with  a mental health illness. I wasn’t ashamed. The naive boy now a man. 

I opened up to work about my illness. I would then and still now continue to have long extended periods of absence, im not getting paid 10% my wage at times. All savings gone, it’s hard. I still struggle to this day. I’m not the top of class at work at the moment. God I may not even have a job come the end of the year. But I speak to counsellers, I speak to friends and family. It’s lifting, like a feather it starts to float it’s way back down but then I feel that breeze behind me and it lifts again. (You are my breeze!)

Everything i have learnt, I’m adding to my swiss army knife of coping strategies. It’s an experience. I even look on this experience as a blessing. It’s made me appreciate life, if I can get through this then I’m stronger than I ever was. That’s something to be proud of right?

It’s still a long journey, I know that but with the people around me I know I will get there eventually. My wife and son. I love you. I can now appreciate you more than ever before. My rocks. 

Mental illness is something everyone should not see as a taboo. It’s part of some people’s journey through this weird and wonderful ride. Be open to the  idea that this is real. Don’t be afraid, be there for people in need. You really can be a life saver. 

Be someone’s shit shoveler when they have too much shit to carry. 

Nathan x